Chasing Moonbeams. Ch23.

[pekeleke]

Title: Chasing Moonbeams.
Author: pekeleke
Pairing(s): Severus Snape/Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17, eventually.
Length: 82K+
Warnings: Extremely Slow burn. Pre-slash to slash. Enemies to friends to lovers. Pinning!Harry. Oblivious!Severus. Implied Bottom!Severus. EWE.
Disclaimer: Don't own these characters. I make no profit from writing fanfiction.
Summary: “Really?” Harry beams, green eyes wide and full of wonder. “You’re going to let me snog you to my heart’s content?”

“Of course not.” Severus replies contrarily, curling elegant digits around the brat’s neck and tugging him down low enough for a quick and dirty kiss before the Savior has a chance to protest. “I’m going to let you snog me to my heart’s content, Potter.”

Chapter 23.

 

In the aftermath of the ‘Harry Potter is a raging homosexual’ revelation, Severus is understandably conflicted about the nature of his friendship with the boy. He wakes up that Saturday to a world that only remains the same outwardly. There are new options open to him now, if Minerva’s assertions are correct, but Severus isn’t certain that he wishes to pursue them.

There is a chance that Potter is madly in love with him. The very thought is utterly bizarre, and yet— Oh, Merlin! To have love again. The prospect tempts him. Frightens him. Fills him with the sort of giddy joy he hasn’t experienced since he was a teenager.

Severus makes himself a cup of tea and sips it distractedly, seeking insight maybe. Or acceptance. He is attempting to find the courage to figure out how he feels about the idea of Potter being madly in love with him. The boy is many things indeed, but he isn’t the sort to claim such depth of affection unfounded. If Potter says he is in love, then he is. And he is the sort to adore, to worship. To defend and to shelter. To remain forever loyal. If Potter is in love with him, then Severus can’t afford to show any ambivalence with regards to the depth -or the honesty- of his own feelings. Toying with the boy’s emotions would be unconscionable, and it could potentially destroy the best in Potter: his naivety. His kindness. His sincerity of heart.

Severus may be attracted to the idiot, but he doesn’t think he loves him. He doesn’t know Potter nearly well enough for that, and he can’t predict if having such knowledge would ever translate into genuine reciprocation of the brat’s feelings. It’s a catch twenty-two, isn’t it? Severus doesn’t want to hurt the savior by leading him on. But he won’t be able to explore the possibility of growing more deeply attached to the Gryffindor unless he does.

Love… Severus hasn’t had a chance to seriously consider the possibility of having such a thing in his life since Regulus disappeared, all those years ago now. Regulus’s absence had crippled him severely at the time, leading him to decide that loneliness, while not ideal, at least protects him from the utter devastation of emotional abandonment. Despite all the pain their unexpected separation caused him, Severus can’t help but remember how gloriously, incandescently happy the years they’d spent together had been.

Potter isn’t Regulus. In that, at least, Minerva is correct. The chances of the boy abandoning him due to an unfortunate magical mishap are negligible. And if it turns out that Severus is indeed the brat’s motherly maniac, then he can’t imagine any circumstances that would drive Potter to abandon him willingly. Harry Potter, like himself, endured a loveless childhood; therefore finding -and keeping- love is one of the boy’s most driving ambitions.  

Can Severus feel again what he once felt for the youngest Black, or was that kind of blissful contentment a Regulus-only-fueled emotion? Can love be equally sincere, equally fulfilling, equally profound if you feel it twice in one lifetime? Severus doesn’t know. He can’t even tell if he is willing to find out at this point. He knows only that he is curious. That he is hopeful. That he -maybe- wants to see what Potter would do if Severus manages to stop freaking out every time the Auror tries to make a move. What would happen if he stands still and finds enough courage to allow the brat to hold his hand and whisper nebulous promises in that raw tone that makes Severus’s heart pound so strongly he feels dizzy?

There is a part of Severus that’s worried that his friendship with the Gryffindor is now damaged forever. He suspects something now that just yesterday morning had seemed utterly risible. It is possible that Potter has designs on him. Does that mean the brat misstated the reasons behind his desire for a truce, for friendship? Is Potter using their current closeness to wriggle himself into Severus’s life, into his bed, with the intention of remaining there forever? Does Potter look at him not with nascent fondness, as Severus had previously hoped, but with unspoken lust? Does he touch himself at night, daydreaming about having Severus’s hands, his mouth, on him? Severus blushes at the boldness of his own thoughts, at the shocking physicality he has no trouble contemplating. He is no virgin, of course. Has resorted to as many one-night stands as have been necessary to help him keep his crippling loneliness at bay since Regulus’s death, but— after being lucky enough to get deflowered by a loving partner, Severus has been dismayed to discover that casual sex doesn’t hold a candle to loving intimacy. There is no laughter in it, no connection, and he doesn’t enjoy it as much. Severus wonders if Harry Potter is even capable of caressing anyone with a deeply devoted touch, with that fondly amused, tender joy that makes you giggle between kisses while your limbs tangle together among hopelessly disarrayed sheets, and is well and truly flustered by the arousing suspicion that Potter probably knows no other way of making love.

Severus wanders idly from room to room, picking up this or that project in an effort to distract himself, but nothing outside his own head holds his attention. He ponders leaving for a while. Severus could write to Emille and let him know that he’s changed his mind about accepting the potioneer’s sponsors invitation to go over to the continent and give them a presentation about the delivery spell he’s crafted for the man’s upcoming bone-cure, but he doesn’t find the idea either soothing or particularly alluring. Severus doesn’t feel tempted to leave. Oh, no. He is perversely curious about how the situation with Potter will unfold now that he’s gained so shocking an insight into the boy’s potential motivation for seeking him out.

Severus paces back and forth and wonders how he’ll feel when he next claps eyes on the brat. Will he feel trapped? Scared? Hopeful? Will the nascent attraction he’s been trying to suppress take flight and become stronger, or will it wither and die now that his simplistic daydreams about having Potter are no longer so impossible? Severus has a chance, at least in theory, of laying claim to the heart of The Boy Who Lived. Does he want it? Would he risk his peace of mind, his barely recovered reputation, his emotional freedom, for it? Would he risk the fallout that would inevitably affect every member of his former Hogwarts’ house should an attempt at hooking up with Potter end in heartbreak? Potter is kind. Potter is attractive, protective, loyal. Potter can -and maybe is even willing to- give him so many of the things he’s always wanted, but never managed to keep. Things like partnership, companionship, belonging. Things like tender passion. Things like— family. Potter wants something that is true. Something that’ll still shine even when it’s old. Severus wants that too. He’s always wanted that. And although he understands that he may fail to get it even if he stays, he is utterly certain that he’ll never do so if he runs away now.


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Comments

[teryarel]

Potter wants something that is true. Something that’ll still shine even when it’s old. Severus wants that too. He’s always wanted that. And although he understands that he may fail to get it even if he stays, he is utterly certain that he’ll never do so if he runs away now.
Oh thank all Powers that be! Phew. I really thought that Severus would shut Harry out. But it seems that he has decided to stay and see where it leads. :)

This is a very insightful chapter, showing a lot about Severus inner workings and his sensitive side. I'm glad he's taking the time to really think about the situation. And I'm glad that he's quite honest to himself.

As usual, I very much look forward to the next chapter. ^^

[pekeleke]

"Oh thank all Powers that be! Phew. I really thought that Severus would shut Harry out. But it seems that he has decided to stay and see where it leads." LOL. Yes. Severus has decided to act like a sensible bloke for once and stay put. Poor Harry will never find out how very close he was to having to run behind his man all the way to the continent. :)

I'm thrilled that you found this update insightful rather than frustrating. I know everyone wants to see what Severus will do the next time he sees Harry, but I don't think he'd have taken any action whatsoever without first giving himself the chance to think calmly about everything he'd learned and attempting to decide how he feels about it.

Thanks, as usual, for taking the time to both read and review another chapter of this story, teryarel. Your kind and lovely comment meant the world to me. :)