Chasing Moonbeams. Ch19.
Aug. 5th, 2019 11:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pekelekeTitle: Chasing Moonbeams.
Author: pekeleke
Pairing(s): Severus Snape/Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17, eventually.
Length: 82K+
Warnings: Extremely Slow burn. Pre-slash to slash. Enemies to friends to lovers. Pinning!Harry. Oblivious!Severus. Implied Bottom!Severus. EWE.
Disclaimer: Don't own these characters. I make no profit from writing fanfiction.
Summary: “Really?” Harry beams, green eyes wide and full of wonder. “You’re going to let me snog you to my heart’s content?”
Chapter 19.
Severus has never in his life been faced with a plate full of sweet and sour radishes. He stares at the artfully displayed meal, wide-eyed, and isn’t one hundred percent certain that he wants to dip his fork in that mess, let alone put any of it inside his mouth. Potter, the incorrigible fiend, is laughing himself breathless on the other side of the table, growing purpler in the face with every passing second, but clearly in no hurry to regain either control or dignity.
“You lied to me, Potter,” Severus grumbles, still examining the contents of his plate with trepidation. “You told me I’d love this, but I’m not loving it at all. This food looks disgusting, and I doubt it’ll taste any good.”
“Come on, Snape. You can’t leave the plate untouched. Where is your sense of adventure?”
“Back home, waiting patiently for me in my kitchen, where I should be cooking something properly edible for myself instead of sitting here with you facing a plateful of this.”
Potter leans eagerly forward and plops an elbow on each side of his plate like a savage. Severus glares at the spots where those offending joints meet the scratched tabletop, only for the brat to dig them further in with an obnoxious little wriggle. “You can cook then. I wasn’t sure. I thought you might have a house-elf.”
“I had one. Lispy died in the battle of Hogwarts. I haven’t the heart to replace her.”
“I’m sorry,” Potter says quietly. “I lost Hedwig towards the end of the war. I haven’t replaced her either.”
“I heard. Hagrid was inconsolable. Am I to understand that he gave you the bird as a gift?”
“Yes. He did. Hedwig was the first proper birthday gift I ever received. My relatives weren’t keen on wasting their money on me.”
“I see,” Severus says, tone low and deep, weighed down by the pain of a million unwanted memories of his own childhood. Minerva is right about this. They’re both remarkably similar in many ways, and they shouldn’t have been. Potter should have been spoiled rotten by Black after his parents died. Albus had been aware that Pettigrew was an animagus. He should have looked deeper into the rat’s apparent murder, but he hadn’t. Knowing what he knows now, Severus wonders if his old mentor failed to investigate further on purpose. He’d needed Potter to grow up with the mindset of an abuse victim.
“It was hard,” Potter says softly, heartbreak clear in his gaze. “Especially in the beginning. I didn’t know how to keep going after losing so many.”
“Surviving is harder than dying, Potter. But we were ‘blessed’ with that gift so we must bear it.” Severus remarks reluctantly. He isn’t particularly keen on pursuing this topic, but can’t think of a polite enough way to divert the conversation towards more pleasant grounds.
“Do you remember what happened at the end of Lucius Malfoy’s trial?”
“You mean when my childhood best friend lost his bloody mind and managed to disarm an Auror with the intention of committing suicide in plain view of his thoroughly distressed wife and war-traumatized child?”
“I was on the other side of the room when the ruckus started. I tried to get closer, but it was hard to move around so many panicking wizards. I had almost reached Malfoy when you finally made it to his side. Gosh! I can’t forget the expression on his face when you punched him so hard he fell to the floor, and took the wand out of his hand. It was so bloody funny.”
“He still hasn’t forgiven me for that,” Severus says quietly.
“Well, he’s the proud sort, isn’t he?”
“True. He didn’t take kindly to being ‘defeated’ by muggle means, either. Lucius can be a terrible snob.”
“At least he’s a snob who is alive. I bet, deep down, he is grateful you didn’t let him kill himself in front of his family. He’ll have plenty of time with them after he comes out of Azkaban.”
“They all look forward to that. Despite appearances to the contrary, the Malfoys are a tightly-knit family.”
“Can I tell you something?” Potter asks and then proceeds to take a deep breath and rush forth without waiting for Severus’s answer, “There is something about that morning that has stuck with me all this time. It’s not the punch you threw or the look on Malfoy’s face, but the words you used. You were so mad at him. Do you remember?”
“I do,” Severus says hoarsely, feeling anew the unbearable weight of the sorrow that had taken hold of him back then. “I didn’t know anyone other than Lucius himself had heard me.”
“I was right behind him, Snape. If it’s any consolation, I doubt anybody else heard you tell him that you’d break if he forced you to lose another friend. I’d never seen you cry before. Not in real life, at least. Memories don’t count when it comes to that sort of thing.”
“I’m happy to inform you that I haven’t cried since.” Severus forces himself to say and, lifting the goblet of red wine he’d ordered with his meal, drains half its contents in one go.
“You were right, you know? I think most of us had reached our breaking point by then. I hadn’t realized I’d walked right past mine until you said that to Malfoy. I’d lost too many friends too, and I couldn’t lose one more. I couldn’t force Ron or Hermione to lose me either. I had to make sure I’d be around to watch little Teddy Lupin grow up. I— you changed my life at that moment, Snape.”
“Is that why you waste your training wandering around perfectly safe neighborhoods instead of chasing dark wizards with the rest of Dawlish’s crew?” Severus asks incredulously.
The disarming softness in Potter’s gaze retreats at once, hides behind a thickening veil of verdant disappointment as the Gryffindor fidgets in his seat. The boy attempts to ignore Severus’s question by picking up his fork and stuffing a giant heap of sweet and sour radishes inside his mouth and then spends an inordinately large amount of time chewing. Severus eventually glares him into answering defensively, “I’m not wasting my training. The Safe Neighborhood Program is a brilliant initiative.”
“Yes. It is. It’s also the perfect place to make sure recently graduated recruits learn the ropes of auroring in a relatively safe environment, and a rather cushy pre-retirement assignment. You’re neither a new recruit nor one who is past his prime. You’re The Bloody Boy Who Lived, Potter.”
“Blimey, you sound just like Dawlish.” Potter grumbles, ”I’ve done my bit, all right? Voldemort is no more. Now it’s time for someone else to hog the spotlight.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Why? Because I’m tired of running around chasing evil? Because I want to ensure I do something equally worthwhile with my time, instead of risking life and limb in some faraway corner doing a job I’ll never enjoy doing just because I happened to rid the world of that stupid arsehole in a stroke of dumb luck?”
“If you don’t want to be an Auror then quit, you, idiot. There must be something else you can do. Just— what’s the point of doing a half job, Potter? It’s a bloody waste of time.”
“I like being an Auror. I like the idea of law and order. I just— there’s a darkness to the job I don’t enjoy. I also don’t want to- I died in the forest, Snape. I came back, but I died. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to put my loved ones through it if I can help it. I was frantic when I thought you—er- Shit. I shouldn’t go there. I’m sorry.”
“Potter, what in the name of-
“Dawlish wants me to join his goddamned task force, and Robbards has been trying to push me into it for a while too. Ron says its only a matter of time before they find a way to force the issue.”
“I’ve heard. I assume Inquisitor Prickard’s trumped-up little investigation failed to achieve it’s purpose then?”
Potter gapes in shock. “How do you even know about that? It’s supposed to be hush-hush.”
“I’m Slytherin, boy. We like to know exactly what goes on in the corridors of power.”
“Then I’d bet you know more than me. No one tells me anything anymore. They’re trying to bench me, and I’m trying to avoid it. One of these days something’s gonna give.”
“If you don’t want them to push you around, then leave. Otherwise, stop whining already and accept their generous offer. You can’t remain in limbo forever, Potter.” Severus says and scoops the smallest amount of food imaginable into his fork before putting it in his mouth. He chews it thoughtfully and comes to the conclusion that it isn’t as bad as it looks. He is not a fan, but he’s not revolted enough to run out of the Leaky, screaming.
“I don’t want to be a paper-pusher,” Potter says tightly and looks into Severus’s eyes with enough emotion to drown a mountain troll. Severus feels himself shiver, attention thoroughly snared.
“What do you want to be then?”
“I want to be me. I want to bask in this peace we’ve earned. I want to find love, find companionship. I want to belong.”
“Potter-
“Listen: I want to grow old in Sunlit Lane. I want to see our community grow stronger. I want wizards and witches to start venturing out into the streets once again because they finally feel safe enough to step outside their houses, and I can’t do any of that from a damned desk, Snape. The war cast a very long shadow, and we’re still struggling to step out of it.”
Severus feels every one of the boy’s impassioned words bury themselves in his skin like deadly arrows. His heartbeat picks up pace as he feels himself drawn to the savior’s dreams, to his desires. Potter’s simple wishes align with his own so perfectly that they may have very well plucked them from the same field of blossoms. They are alike indeed. Maybe too alike. Minerva is right. She’s seen, clear as day, what Severus hadn’t spotted until now.
“You can never be merely yourself, boy. Not anymore. For good or ill, you are the Boy Who Lived Twice. There are battles still left to fight that only you can win. And you must fight them, or we’ll go back to where we started.”
“You mean this beef people have against the Slytherins? I’m doing that already, and it’s beginning to work. We’ll change their minds, you and I. We’re a good team when we fight together, and we’ll win, just like we did during the war.”
“But we never fought together back then, Potter. You didn’t trust me.” Severus points out, attempting to break himself free from the boy’s insidious pull.
Potter smiles at him wistfully and leans further into the table to whisper at him confidentially, “I trust you now. I’ll fight for you if you need me to, Snape, and I’ll fight beside you too if you let me.”
Severus inhales sharply. “That’s a very bold promise, Auror Potter. I hope you mean to keep it.”
“Oh, I’ll keep it. I’ve waited a bloody long time to become your knight in shiny armor, professor. You’re are a frustratingly uncooperative maiden in distress.”
“I’m not a maiden at all.”
“A prince then. A half-blood one, even.”
Severus snorts at the boy’s boldness even as he asks warily. “And what would you demand in return? I have little of value to give.”
“I want this,” Potter says, pointing back and forth between them, ”And I already have it. You don’t need to give me anything else.”
“You’re terrible at bargaining.” Severus shakes his head, “You give too much and demand too little.”
“Little? You sell yourself short, Master Snape.” Potter says softly, and this time, Severus is the one who uses the excuse of chewing a mouthful of food to avoid having to answer. Their conversation dwindles after that, and both of them finish their meals, contemplating their thoughts. Severus doesn’t know what’s going on inside the boy’s head, but his is swimming with confusion. Swimming with hope for a future that looms brighter for all, and with worry for the safety of his increasingly dazzled heart.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-08-13 10:21 am (UTC)And it seems that Severus didn't only save his friend and his friend's family but also Harry - who, if I understood right, was also in need of help, of something that shook him to the roots.
Whew. What a topic to have over sweet and sour... turnips?? Sorry, I meant radishes. I hope at least the wine was good. :P
This ia another chapter that's full of new insights into both of our heroes. They truly are very alike. I'm eager to see where this will go. :D I'm looking forward to the next chapter very much! ^^
(no subject)
Date: 2019-08-13 01:43 pm (UTC)I agree with you on the point that Lucius, as depicted in the books, is a bit of a prat. He did choose his family in the end, and for that, I truly respect him. I respect all of the Malfoys, really, because they all made the exact same choice and, bearing in mind where they came from and who they were, that was a very bold and brave choice to make at the time they made it. <3
I, too, wish that every person out there who'd ever thought of committing suicide had his/her own version of Severus. Oftentimes successful suicides are the result of a single, despondent thought and the easy availability of both opportunity and the means to achieve the end. If the moment is disrupted for whatever reason, the chances of survival for the suicidal person increase exponentially.
Yes, you're definitely right. Severus's well-timed punch didn't only save his best friend and his family, but it also offered some much-needed direction to Harry. What's more, Lucius’ suicide attempt, and Severus’s emotional reaction to it, coupled with how that reaction shaped Harry’s decision not to endanger his own life unnecessarily, is the basis for the “Harry Potter is in love with a peace-loving maniac” rumor, so it is an important piece of background information. :)
LOL. I, too, hope that at least the wine was good or Severus will never again accept one of Harry's invitations to dinner. The boy has terrible taste in restaurants, doesn't he? :)
I'm glad that you found this update interesting and so full of insights about the boys' personalities, teryarel. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to both read and review another chapter of Chasing Moonbeams. Your kind and lovely comment meant the world to me. :)