The voice under all silences. Chapter 34

[pekeleke]

THE VOICE UNDER ALL SILENCES. Chapter 34.

 

“No way!” He said with the kind of unmovable finality that would have made many men waver. Harry, though, limited himself to smile patiently at him and ask obnoxiously:

“Why not?”

He glared at the little menace, long fingers tapping on the edge of his desk with telling impatience.

“I'm busy”

The irritating nuisance dared to lift an eyebrow at him with the same kind of absolutely infuriating flair that was typical of Luc.

“You are always busy, Severus. That excuse hasn't worked with me for a few weeks now... You've got to try harder if you really expect me to let you get out of doing this.”

He eyed the cheerful expression on the face of his so called friend with a thunderous scowl.

“I am extra-busy today. I have to finish reading the material Luc sent over, before my meeting with Mctavish, or we won't be able to go ahead and decide on a workable plan to have the Hogwarts' Web up and running before the year's end”

Something very much like incensed indignation flitted through the brightness of those green eyes.

“You are meeting with Mctavish again?. What for?. I thought he told you he had no idea about how to set up an Internet network. Isn't that the reason why you asked me to bring in Hermione as a consultant?”

He frowned, puzzled by the dark undertones that had so suddenly turned Harry's voice into an unmistakable growl of sheer vexation.

“Mrs. Granger-Weasley's help has been invaluable to me, Harry. I wouldn't even have known where to start if it hadn't been for her. Add that to the fact that Luc happened to be visiting when she showed up, and decided to take on the daunting task of researching what kind of magical applications could be modified to mimic the muggle technology necessary to both, create and support the network, and I got myself the very best team in magical innovation that this country can provide...”

Instead of appeasing the boy, his words seemed to have irritated him even further.

“Then why, in the name of Godric, is Mctavish involved with the project?. I'm fed up of crossing him in the hallway whenever I drop by. You are spending so much time with him that I can't even listen to you for half an hour without his name popping into the conversation. It's driving me insane!”

He blinked with astonished bewilderment.

“He is my muggle studies professor. He is the one who'll have to run the introductory course on what the Internet is and what can be achieved through it's uses. Planning such a revolutionary syllabus is a very hard and time-consuming task, Harry, particularly for a teacher of so limited experience. Once you take into account the fact that there are no templates already designed for him to use as a guideline, you'll also come to the realization that he is the weakest link in this whole operation.

Hogwarts will be the pioneering institution in introducing the Internet, and all its associated applications, into the world of wizarding academia as far as I'm aware. This is an enormous undertaking and I'm not letting it fail at the last second just because you happen to have developed some sort of inexplicable dislike towards one of my professors!”

The auror's green eyes flashed with something very close to pride. A new softness had now entered the bright emerald orbs, blasting away their former irritation and replacing it with a very obvious look of tender affection.

“I told you I couldn't wait to see what you'd do to our world the moment you got back, didn't I?. You've been at the helm of Hogwarts for less than six months and you are already dragging the heavily traditional carcass of the wizarding school system into the twenty first century, whether it likes it or not, Severus.”

He flushed scarlet on the receiving end of that thoroughly undeserved praise.

“Minnie has done a wonderful job in the last four years. She had the far harder task of supervising what must have been a very trying reconstruction. I've come when everything is already done and I'm doing nothing extraordinary at all. There's no glory to be found in copying what the muggles have been doing for decades already”

That wild hair waved atop a head that shook with rueful wonder.

“You are so blind when it comes to your yourself, Severus... You don't see your own achievements in the same way the rest of us see them. It's heartbreaking to realize how very little you value yourself.

Professor Mcgonagal has done great and all, don't get me wrong. But she built on what was there and remained fairly statical for four whole years. It didn't take much effort to walk along the same path that others had already walked before her. There were no obstacles to encounter. No risks to take... She already knew that nothing would go wrong if she stuck to Albus' policies and syllabus.

You, on the other hand, are branching out. You have the courage to risk attempting to carve your own path through a veritable forest of unknowns. Even if you are copying the muggles... you are still having to make the same idea work through magical means. You are researching and learning a whole science as you go. You are designing a specific lesson plan for it. You've brought new blood to a system that has been firmly entrenched in the dark ages for centuries and it's already starting to show...”

He wasn't used to being so openly praised and was utterly unprepared to deal with the situation. He felt embarrassed. Flustered. Woefully lacking the kind of social smoothness that helped Luc navigate moments such as this with astonishing graciousness. He blushed beet-red and lowered his dark gaze towards his desk, utterly at a loss for something to say. He was literally trembling with self-consciousness.

“I can hardly claim to have done any of it alone, Harry. You yourself have pointed out how Mrs Granger-Weasley has aided me in my endeavors. Having managed to pick Luc's voracious curiosity, all I really had to do was sit back in my comfy chair and let the real geniuses here do the work on my behalf...” He finally managed to retaliate with a firm conviction that had the boy directing a pointed look towards him.

From the corner of his eye he could see how that thoughtful green gaze settled over his own lowered head with disturbingly focused attention.

“Hermione has known about the Web since before she joined the school, Severus. The same could be said for most muggle-born students that have come through Hogwarts in the last decade or so. Mactavish is familiar with computers, even if he is not exactly knowledgeable about how to build a network from scratch. Anyone of the thousands of muggle-borns and half-bloods around here could have come up with this idea, but the plain and simple truth is that none of them did.

You were the first to decide that the Internet could be applied to our world. You were the first to grab a concept that probably has crossed the minds of many others and take it a step further. You didn't just shrug your shoulders and thought that it'd be great if some else did this, no. You decided to give it a go and actually started to research what kind of magic would be needed to make it happen. You were the one who faced the board of governors and strong-armed them into allowing you a trial period of six months.

When this thing happens it'll happen because you worked to make it so, Severus!. No one else is going to jump on this bandwagon and claim ownership of either the inspiration for it or the merit of it's implementation. This is your brainchild. Your accomplishment. Nobody else is going to be allowed to rest on your hard-earned laurels for as long as I have breath. Are we clear on that?”

He was equally shocked and dismayed by that impassioned rant. His dark eyes lifted to confront those bright green orbs and he became ensnared by the sheer fierceness that was flashing within them. Harry reminded him of an electrical storm in times like this, his nature was always so... headstrong and wildly unpredictable. So... intense and terrifyingly emotional. He could be as frighteningly unmovable as a mountain of granite...

Something very much like affection fluttered inside his chest, forcing him to swallow heavily and avert his eyes, lest the child read the warm emotion as it softened his own gaze.

”Have I already complained this evening about how awfully bossy you can be?”

Irreverent laughter met his half-hearted remonstration.

“Come on, Severus! You've got to be fair here. You are so averse to dealing with other people that you'd happily allow your hard work to be claimed by someone else, if it'd get you out of having to face the public.”

“I don't see what's so wrong with that idea. The whole program will be instated as a Hogwarts course. If the school gets the recognition for its implementation I get to send Minnie out to deal with all the imbeciles from the ministry. It's a win-win situation that actually saves me from wasting my precious time having to nod and smile pointlessly at one politician or another”

The little brat dared to giggle at that. Merry green eyes were alive with unholy laughter when he eased himself forwards on the chair he was occupying and drummed his restless fingers on the very edge of the desk that separated them.

“I don't know, Severus. Taking into account that most politicians I know would just kneel over and die from the shock of seeing you smile at them, maybe you are doing our world a great disservice by avoiding doing just that”

“Potter!” He gasped out loud, perfectly scandalized by that irreverent dig against the very people entrusted to... lead.. the wizarding world.

The auror exploded into a veritable storm of raucous laughter and he flushed with the mortifying awareness that he was being far too serious about the whole conversation. He tried to ignore the little voice at the back of his head that was whispering insistently that the boy had actually voiced a very valid point and decided to scowl at the little menace as fiercely as he could, instead.

He wasn't too surprised to discover that his glare was mostly ignored in favor of the merriment that seemed to have taken over his companion's mind, and the more Harry laughed, the more ridiculous that the situation became to his own eyes. Here they both were: alone in his office, with not a single witness to their conversation, and he still felt reluctant to acknowledge that the auror was most certainly correct. Most of the highest members of the ministry were a bloody bunch of plonkers. Why shouldn't he say it aloud when he actually thought it?. It wasn't as if Harry would use his agreement to hurt him in the future. Or blackmail him to gain favors, or even betray him for some other unseen reason...

For the very first time his mind finally made peace with a concept that had been hovering at the very edges of his awareness for a few weeks now: he trusted this man who visited him constantly. Who called him every evening to chat about his day. Who always came for tea on Saturday afternoons. Who bought him peppery corn and took him to the cinema...

He felt safe and secure in the boy's company. He understood that he could depend on the boy in the same way that he could depend on Luc or Draco...

As he sat there, staring straight into that laughing young face, he finally allowed himself to accept that he could let his guard down around the auror, knowing that he wouldn't be forced to regret that decision in the future. Certain, at an almost instinctive level, of the fact that he would be protected if needed be. That his privacy, his opinions, his every secret, would be held in confidence. They'd all be kept. Guarded. Carefully protected from the eyes and ears of all of those who'd seek to use that information to cause him untold harm...

“Severus?”

He'd been so thoroughly immersed in his thoughts that he jumped in his seat. Startled black eyes settled over the intent expression that had appeared on the gryffindor's expressive visage and that familiar sense of fluttery vertigo that he'd learned to associate with Harry's presence gripped his flustered senses.

“Where did you go? You seemed to be a million miles away...”

“I was right here, Harry. I was looking straight at you, seeing you. Thinking about all the things that you so freely give me without demanding much of anything in return. I worry that I'm becoming... a pampered, selfish, taker. A man who won't give back. A monster...”

A puzzled expression fleeted through those emerald orbs for a brief second. The wide brows frowned. The lips pursued in a gesture of mild vexation. A single heartbeat pounded within his ribcage before the gryffindor's searching look attempted to borrow under his very skin.

“I'm happy to give, you know?. And you offer far more than you realize. I can't honestly understand why is it that you can't see yourself in the same way we all do. There's nothing of the selfish in you, Severus. Nothing!. I've never met a man less willing to avail himself of help, of honors, of... plain and simple affection as you are!”

“How can you possibly say that?. Rita Skeeter hasn't bothered to stop painting her awful portrait of a poor, pitifully besotted Saviour and you... you keep ignoring the situation. You are actually fanning all kinds of gossip with your insistent determination to appear beside me at every possible opportunity, while I... I've done nothing to defend you. Nothing!. I've allowed this to happen and refused to come right out and say...” His words faltered as he struggled to decide what exactly it was that he'd be willing to allow all others to know. True to be told he wasn't exactly thrilled by the amount of... public interest... that had been so unrelentingly centered upon him of late. The barrage of incendiary articles that the Prophet continued to print had put their friendship in the eye of a storm that seemed to have gripped everyone's imagination.

He was tired of receiving both howlers and increasingly encouraging letters. He was tired of the constant little looks that they received whenever they so much as set a foot outside of Hogwarts. He was tired of feeling... utterly selfish and useless when it came to this situation and he wanted... he wanted to offer some sort of relief to the boy, only he couldn't even begin to imagine what it'd take to make this particular situation better.

“What? What would you say about it, Severus?” The question was released in a chocked, gruff-toned whisper that in no way tried to hide how very important the answer was to the man who had uttered it. All signs of laughter had abandoned that young face, leaving it deadly serious and heartbreakingly earnest.

An oppressive kind of heaviness took the whole room by storm. Turning the very air thick with both, tension and terror. With hopes and with fears. With certainties. With doubts...

He wanted to open his mouth and find the kind of words that could bring the smile back to Harry's face, but he also felt the almost irresistible urge to clam up as tightly as he possibly could. His brain told him to try to protect himself first. To guarantee his own safety by avoiding the exposure of his most vulnerable thoughts before another. He knew by now that he could deflect this question, avoid giving an answer. He knew that Harry would allow him to get away with some half-cocked non-answer, if he really wanted to halt the progress they had made so far.

He could look away, mumble something trite and... remain forever a cripple. A man who could go no further. A coward of the worst kind. A thief, who'd rob even himself of the chance to open his tightly guarded emotions, his locked up heart, and entrust them into the care of another soul. He'd remain the kind of man guilty of being thoroughly unable to... give himself away... and he'd end up exactly where he'd always been: Nowhere.

If he ignored this one moment and carried on as usual he'd be re-enacting the disastrous decisions of his past and he'd end up exactly as he'd once did... alone. Trapped living a life that had nowhere to go. Safe, from the kind of hurt that risking his emotions could cause, but also lethally wounded by the crippling sense of worthlessness that had always afflicted him. That had always entrapped him. That had forced him to become a lonely and bitter shadow, a sharp-tongued wallflower.

His only chance at a future that might, just might, hold something different lay in ignoring his every instinct. In going against his better judgment and take the unthinkable risk of both ridicule and rejection... Would it really be so hard to brave the next few seconds of discomfort in the hopes that the boy.... the boy would catch him as he plummeted straight into the unknown?. He was mostly certain that Harry would protect him. Respond to his every action with instinctive, careful gentleness. He had come to the conclusion that he could find beauty here, if he ever risked his heart...

Was this what he wanted then? What he needed? Could Lily's child become that elusive... shelter... that he'd never managed to find?. Even if that was the case, even if he, somehow, found the courage to reach out and received the right response from the child... How long could he possibly keep the interest of so lively a young man? A wizard as curious, as powerful, as amazingly attractive as Harry Potter wouldn't really stay beside a beast like himself for any length of time. Not once the initial novelty of the experience died away. Was he willing to risk everything for a brief, condemned affair?.

His brow broke into a cold sweat and his throat froze with the kind of terror that could paralyze one's mind. He began to tremble from head to toes with indecision.

“Severus?”

His dark eyes eyes blinked in a dazed, distressed fashion that propelled Harry straight out of his own chair.

A wide, tanned hand reached out to touch him and he froze with the momentous understanding that he couldn't pull away. Couldn't... reject... the approaching touch. Couldn't utter a single word of denial. Or refusal. Couldn't push the other man away. Not in any shape or form. He didn't want to do it, either. Not even if it'd hurt him in the end...

Blunt fingertips brushed his ashen cheekbone with a gentleness that broke the last crumbling remains of his resistance and he blinked once again in sorrow-filled distress. His eyes burned with a million and one tears for the safety he'd just abandoned. For the heartbreak that awaited. For the future that would break him, like the past had done before.

Surrendering himself to the feelings Lily had inspired within him had almost destroyed him. Allowing Harry to become his... everything... could end up only in disaster. It'll demolish him completely. I'll savage his heart, his soul, his every hope for a future lived in peace... It'll annihilate him, in the end, without mercy.

I'll also allow him to live, for as long as their association lasted, to the highest, brightest point of his existence. He'll end up plummeting to the ground and bleeding to death from soul-deep wounds, of course. But not before having touched the very stars themselves beside this young man. Not without having reached out for the sun. And the moon. Not before he finally experienced exactly how it felt to love a man who loved him back... Even if such emotions were doomed to end eventually, he'd still have them. Still hold them. He'd keep these memories forever and they... they'd become his life. His all. His everything... They'd eventually become the one treasure that no darkness could destroy.

His face turned into the boy's careful, worried touch and he muzzled against the gryffindor's too warm palm with a calm sense of acceptance. All agitation had now abandoned him. He felt peaceful and utterly certain as he allowed the boy's trembling digits to cup his face as if he were made out some precious, fragile glass. He felt strong in this one second of crystal clear awareness. He understood where this was going and what the price he'd have to pay for this indulgence might become. Surrender... He was going to abandon his every fear and allow himself to surrender before the one man who seemed utterly unable to give up on him. This would be his choice then. He wanted to bask in this safety. He wanted to belong to this stubborn creature. He wanted to allow himself to find out if he could really love again. He knew that he'd never find the answer to that particular question unless he took this risk and, as crazy as it might sound, he was willing to take this chance and suffer the consequences of his own madness and when it all ended... well, he'd worry about the future when it came.

“Severus?” Harry's tone sounded breathless, awed, cautious. The boy's left hand lifted shakily, burying itself in the long locks of his dark hair and began to comb it devotedly. “Severus, are you...? Is this...? Will you allow me to...?”

Words escaped that brave man, apparently. Every attempt to voice the question was abandoned with a gulp. With a sigh. With a terrified reluctance to break the moment. Severus understood that Harry felt overwhelmed and insecure. His every attempt to bring them past mere friendship had backfired. Month upon month of patient, persistent friendship were at risk here. The very foundation of their relationship was about to shift, for better or for worse, and the boy... the boy was frightened.

He could not bring himself to open up any further, though. His heart froze and his brain stopped working altogether. He held neither thought nor fear. He could neither move nor speak. His precious sense of unshakable serenity began to disappear and he was suddenly plunged into breathless, dizzying, anxiety once again. He felt weightless, shapeless, invisible. He had forgotten how to blink and how to hold another's gaze. He had forgotten how to speak, demand, reassure. He couldn't have brought them further than this point, had his life depended on it...

Thankfully, for the both of then, Harry wasn't a gryffindor for nothing. Bravery, foolishness, or some kind of inexplicably perceptive combination of the two, brought the child to his knees beside his chair.

Hands untangled from his hair. Abandoned his pale, cold cheek in order to curl eagerly around his shaking fingers and he swallowed past the lump that was lodged deep inside his throat.

There was a bright look of emerald-green trepidation painting shadows across the limpid beauty of those huge eyes and the smile that Harry gave him was too shaky to be considered anything other than clearly terrified. But it had a tinge of both brightness and hope. A curve of joy-filled expectation. A fleeting glimpse of Heaven.

“What would you tell them, Severus?”

The question returned with much more strength. With urgent eagerness. With the kind of impatient intonation that speaks of deep certainty. Of assurance. Harry thought that he knew what his answer would be. He just needed to hear the words being spoken out loud. The boy needed him to voice his own surrender. Admit to his own needs with the same kind of unequivocal honesty that had been given to him.

His dark eyes widened with startled understanding and he searched his whirling thoughts for the right words. He, who could run rings around most people when it came to the expression of his displeasure, found himself ill-equipped to give voice to his desires. To his hopes. To his every vulnerability.

“I would tell them that you... you are dear to me, Harry. You have a place in my life that can't be labeled as either former student or mere friend. You belong to a totally different category, one that holds you and only you.” He finally said, shamefully aware of just how... lacking... his words were. They had been too vague. Too oblique and non-committal. He had failed to put a label to their us.

Against all the odds, Harry seemed to find his pitiful offering good enough and allowed his young body to sag, flopping heavily back, against his hind quarters, as if he'd been suddenly released from the hold of a Petrificus hex. A huge smile appeared on that tanned, angular face, turning the boy's whole visage into the very definition of exultant, heartfelt joy. Breathtaking green eyes settled over him with so much affection that he squirmed in his own chair and blushed to the tips of his ears like the most sappy of all hufflepuffs.

“Don't turn away from me now, Severus. Don't you dare to look away. Don't bring unnecessary distance between us just to feel safe...” Harry spoke quietly, but with the kind of firmness that one can't avoid obeying, just as he'd started to avert his own eyes.

Caught red-handed attempting to perform the very act that the boy was so pointedly requesting that he refrained from doing, he just... floundered. His throat constricted around the uncomfortably thick lump that had lodged within it and his eyes turned even darker with fright. He had reached the very end of his rope. Had spent the very last traces of courage left within him. He could not imagine how he could... remain in here, sitting stoically upright, as his horrified mind finally managed to assimilate the fact that he'd just... abandoned all sense and logic. He'd thrown the whole of his future away for the flimsy promise of becoming this child's temporary paramour...

He didn't know what he'd do, how he'd cope with his own idiocy, if the auror didn't find a way to help him move past his own nervousness in the next few seconds. Their gazes held and the moment simply stretched into eternity. It felt odd to find himself so very unbalanced and at the very same time so very... certain... of the fact that there was steady ground beneath his feet. Harry's expression was ablaze with gentleness. With acceptance. With the kind of joy that can't possibly be faked.

“I love you with all of my heart. You do know that, don't you, Severus?”

The question broke the moment so delicately that he shook in breathless reaction, even as his widened eyes filled with a trusting, cautious acceptance.

“Yes, Harry. I... I do know that” His voice sounded choked. Tense. He felt odd as his gaze remained trapped within the hold of those emerald eyes that held so much emotion. He could not bring himself to ask this man to never inquire about the extent of his own feelings. He knew that such request would break the gryffindor, but he wasn't really certain about what his own reaction to such query might be. He wanted more from Harry. Simply... more. But he had honestly no clue as to whether his own need for the boy's company could be called mere affection, or desperation, or a crush, or a plain and simple need for some... companionship. He refused to put a name to his emotions when he knew not what they were. He had no intention of lying, not to Harry, and he hoped that the auror would step away from an open confrontation on the matter.

“You'll come flying with me, then?”

His heart unfroze at the hopefulness contained in that one, incredibly stubborn little query and his face turned slightly to settle relieved dark eyes over the custom-made broom that the little menace had arrived with. It shone, like the well oiled machine that it truly was, under the soft evening sun-rays that were coming in from the windows.

“I already told you that I'm busy, Harry...” He repeated his original answer to that very same request, once again.

The short, tanned fingers that still held his own squeezed his hands gently, redirecting his attention towards that young and eager face.

“I won't let you fall, Severus. I promise you. I'll never, ever, let you fall...”

He heard the reassurance hidden within those words, as clearly as if the promise had been openly given. He heard the avowal of protection and loyalty. Of permanence... just as loudly as he heard the simple offering of physical security that the child was trying to gift him. They were, of course, talking about something far more dangerous than flying. They were talking about a different kind of falling altogether. They were talking about love...

“I know you won't, Harry” He answered quietly. Cautiously. And knew no other way to return the boy's wholehearted devotion than to sigh with wary resignation while he muttered ungraciously:

“Fine!, I'll fly with you. But only for half an hour. I really have to finish reading this information and then I've got a meeting to prepare, I've got to...”

Irreverent, uproarious laughter interrupted him quite rudely and he frowned down into affectionate green eyes. Harry rose to his feet in a swift motion and the hand that was still fastened to his own pulled him off his chair with almost insulting ease.

“You should shut up right about now, Severus, or I might decide that you are stressing yourself too much over your job and keep you in the air until every bone in your body has turned to liquid in my arms...”

He huffed in ruffled discomfort. A dizzying kind of trepidation was coursing through his every vein at the promise of being on the receiving end of that kind of attention and he didn't really know how to react to it.

Still linked by the hands they walked towards the broom until Harry could hold it in his free palm. Then his companion turned slightly towards him. Green eyes searched his face with a thoughtful, earnest intensity and his hand was released very briefly. A callused palm flew up and down his left arm in a soothing, comforting motion and the smile that was bestowed upon him felt like a blessing.

“This is your last chance to back out, Severus Snape. I'll never ask you this question again, OK?... Are you sure about this? Are you really, truly sure, that this is what you want?”

The fact that the question was asked, no matter how obliquely, settled the wild terror that had been screaming in the back of his mind for him to retreat. His answering smile was shaky. Uneasy. It was there, though, no matter how fragile it did look, and Harry wasted not another second before seizing the chance that he himself had given him.

“Then hold on to me tightly, Headmaster, because we are about to embark on the best ride of our lives...” The infernal brat boasted shamelessly before proceeding to grab him with startling strength and jump onto the broom in the kind of swift and graceful motion that only a gifted flier could perform.

He was shocked, by the unexpectedness of the maneuver, straight into a defensive motion. Harry's arms tightened around his waist then, trying to soothe him. Settling him firmly in front of the auror's own form, atop the broom. He'd ended up plastered against the youth's athletic chest, caged protectively between a pair of tanned arms that efficiently controlled their stomach-churning progress, as they avoided the heavy furniture inside the room before hurling, at top speed, out of the window.

The crisp cold of the chilly December evening hit his face the moment they abandoned the cozy warmth of his office and his whole body recoiled in reaction to the sudden dip in temperature.

“OH!... I forgot about the weather. Silly me...” A masculine chuckle shock the wide expansion of chest against which his bony back was resting and he felt it rumble all along the chord of his spine, like a deep and mesmerizing caress. Minty breath tickled his left ear as the boy whispered against it quietly.

“Hold on to the broom for a second, Severus... I'm going to make sure we don't freeze to death today...” A second later Harry's right hand had abandoned the handle and a wand suddenly appeared at the very edge of his vision. The Calorem Invocare* charm was cast, very softly, against his temple in the very next breath and a bubble of gently warmed air surrounded the broom at once. Harry's wand was put away and, as the boy's hand returned to take proper control of their ride, Severus' rigid muscles began to relax slowly and he allowed himself to open his narrowed dark eyes and look around.

Hogwarts extended beneath him under the weak evening sunlight like a postcard-perfect picture of winter-time placidity. The lake mirrored the sky. Frothy-looking snow shone a dazzling diamond white under the sun and the castle itself seemed to rise towards the fluffy clouds like the old spires of a long-lost, ancient temple.

He'd forgotten the easy pleasure of flying for the sake of it...

He'd never truly enjoyed the activity. Never had either the time or the inclination to discover what exactly was so great about it that it drove nutcases like Sirius Black to rant and rave about it's wonders all the time. He'd been a dirt-poor half-blood who never had the opportunity to fly a broom until he reached Hogwarts. He'd been so cruelly ridiculed and laughed at, by a sneering crowd of pure-blooded gryffindors bent on jeering at his every attempt to conquer what, for him, had been a truly onerous task, that he'd failed to develop a true liking for the activity.

Flying had lost all of it's appeal for him before he'd even learned to do it properly and so... he'd always lacked interest in pursuing it. Lacked any kind of enthusiasm for it and had missed out on the simple beauty of watching the world go by under his feet...

A contented sigh escaped his lips and his shoulders relaxed further. He allowed himself to lean back, against the solid chest of his companion, when Harry's arms pressed against him gently. His head rolled against the boy's hard shoulder as he looked around some more. Relaxing even further. Surrendering complete control of their safety, of the direction towards which they were heading, of the whole situation, to the boy.

They flew slowly. Carefully. Silently.

Harry seemed content enough to travel at a sedate pace, for once, and simply twirled around the perimeter of the school with soothing quietness. There were no sounds up here. Everything was eerily calm and silent and the world seemed easier, somehow. Conquerable. Not so harsh or lethally treacherous. More beautiful...

Against his own expectations the gryffindor remained quiet. Apparently happy enough with the strange status quo they had entered and he felt his own reluctance, his every insecurity, his very real sense of terrified vulnerability melt away like wisps of clouds.

“Is this all right, Severus?” After such a long silence that softly voiced question made him blink languidly. His head turned very slightly and his dark eyes clashed with the bright emerald gaze that was studying him intently.

“It is perfect, Harry”

“So you aren't getting bored?”A strong chin rested against the top of his head when he turned away to look around them once more. He felt the odd pressure that came from the settling of the boy's jawbone atop his head clearly. It sat heavily on his skull and it was so strange a feeling that he could not immediately decide whether he liked it or not.

“It's beautiful up here. I... I don't think I ever bothered to look around much whenever I was forced to get onto a broom” He answered quietly, lulled into uttering that uncharacteristic confession by the inexplicable sense of ... peacefulness... that seemed to be taking over the whole of his being at that second.

Harry's arms tightened around him.

“I'm not surprised. You are always so busy achieving things that I don't think it crosses your mind to slow down and just... be. Does it?. I only ever see you quiet down when you are lost inside a book, it's so strange... Sometimes I think that you need to prove to yourself that you have a right to exist, or something. It's as if being idle makes you nervous, as if you honestly believe that you have to be useful at all the times...”

He was surprised at how accurately the gryffindor could peg him and even more floored when the awareness that he was actually able to understand exactly why the boy was sounding more and more outraged with every new word he uttered finally hit him. He was actually genuinely shocked by the realization that he wasn't being criticized for daring to live while others hadn't. Wasn't being asked to justify all those lucky escapes that had kept him safe while others perished. He wasn't being valued any less than anybody else. Wasn't being challenged to prove himself to be worthy.

“I think I might be a bit of an overachiever”

“Only a bit?” The snort that accompanied that teasing question made him smile and he realized that he felt contented up here, flying lazily high above Hogwarts' frozen grounds with Harry Potter.

“I might not be entirely adverse to repeating this, you know?. I think I'm having... fun” The simple acknowledgment caught him as much by surprise as it must have caught the boy for the broom stilled in mid air and they simply hovered there: twirling gently in a bubble of warm air above the dark waters of the lake. Two lone figures being bathed in golden sunlight by the last rays of the day as the distant star began to sink beneath the purple line of the horizon.

Harry's callused fingers settled on his chin and he was carefully maneuvered until his body was turned sideways atop the expensive handle of the broom. Green eyes settled on his face and emerald fire blazed out, from the very depths of those intently focused orbs, to scorch him within an inferno of chaotic, joy-tinged emotions.

“I'm going to kiss you again, Severus... I'm going to do it right now. Right here. If you don't want this to happen you better say so now...“

His brain froze. He could not move a single eyelash. His ebony gaze widened as his every thought was snared by that darkening green haze of passionate tenderness. His breath halted as that face slowly descended towards his own, giving him plenty of time to pull away.

He felt the brush of Harry's breath touch the surface of his trembling lips a mere blink before the other man's mouth settled over his.

For the second time in his life he experienced the same disorienting sense of incredulous surprise. Of overwhelmed nervousness. He was tense and terrified. He knew not how to react and he could tell that he was utterly stiff and unresponsive. Harry eased back slowly and soft green eyes that were alive with... love... gazed down at him with patient adoration.

“Let yourself go, Severus, just... let yourself go. Trust your safety into my hands, I promise I'll catch you...”

Soft pink lips caressed his own once more. They were careful, so careful... They began to lave his trembling, dry skin with a moist warmth. Gentle pressure was applied against his mouth slowly, so very slowly, and his head was held like a treasure between a pair of strong tanned hands.

The tension that had been keeping his neck so very stiff unfurled like a flower and he abandoned all rigidity at once. His dark eyes closed. His cheeks flushed and he whimpered in distressed anxiety only a second before he surrendered his every sense to the overwhelming flash of enraptured intensity that was coursing throughout his body like a wave made out of sunlight.

Heat radiated from his lips outwards, enfolding him in a pleasurable blanket of soft emotion. It was gentle and it was loving. It was beautifully tender. It was delicate and fragile, like the blessing of an angel...

He gasped aloud as the sensation coiled within him, curling in the pit of his stomach before rising swiftly upwards, filling his every cell with a series of interconnected star-bursts of sensation that turned his whole body into water. Into putty. Into a brainless, pulsing mass of nothing but warmth and pleasure. He gasped in startled, awestruck wonder and the mouth holding him captive swallowed the sound whole. A tongue probed the seam of his half-opened lips and he gave hesitant permission to further invasion by opening himself wider.

Harry entered him like a hurricane, like a soldier returning home, like a whirlwind seeking quietude... Renewed fire erupted inside his veins in the next second: lava was poured into his virgin mouth like a river of molten desire and he felt dizzy with the sensations that were thrumming through his cells. He was being utterly possessed. Devoured. Taken. He was being broken and re-formed. He was being kissed straight into a re-birth.

Harry's fingers coiled in his hair holding him fast. That chest burned against his side like Fiendfire, keeping him hot and bothered, utterly unbalanced. He was being scorched, from the inside out, in a conflagration of emotion that was turning his whole being into a pool of pounding blood and reeling senses. He was being murdered with passion...

The kiss ended and he suddenly found himself on the receiving end of the most beautiful expression that he'd ever seen. No one had ever looked at him with that breathtaking mix of blissed-out exuberance and hopeful tenderness. Harry's gaze was diamond-bright. A thin layer of crystal-clear teardrops was glazing the green beauty of the huge orbs that gazed down at him with evident devotion.

“I love you, Severus Snape. I have loved you now for a very long time. Even if you can't bring yourself yet to believe that this can last, I'm willing to spend the rest of my life proving you wrong. For now, though: Thank you, Severus, just... THANK YOU!”

He swallowed with difficulty and attempted a smile that must have come out as confused, as spooked, as truly... unbalanced... as he himself was feeling, if the soft look that he obtained in response was anything to go by.

“Thank you? Thank you for what, Harry?”

Rough fingertips framed his cheekbones carefully, pushing long locks of midnight-colored hair away from his pale face and looping them, very slowly, around the shell of his left ear. A blunt thumb traced the bottom line of his kiss-swollen mouth with delicate affection.

“Thank you for surviving. For being you. For daring to come flying with me today... Thank you for being brave enough to open this door, my love...”

TBC...

*Calorem Invocare roughly translates as to conjure warmth. Special thanks regarding the correct Latin form of this spell are to be given to Tree of Angels who was kind enough to let me know that I had made a mistake on my first try.

 

Ch33

Ch35